what a girl wants.

 “So what is it that you want?”  My mom asked.  I paused for a minute, caught off guard.

“What?”

“What is it that you want Brittani?  You just went into a fifteen minute rant about everything you don’t want, but what do youwant?”  She smiled a little bit, “Do you even know what you want?  & don’t say loyalty, trust, and communication.  That’s just scratching the surface.  Everyone wants that because it sounds good, but they don’t realize that’s not saying much.  So again, I ask, what do you want?”

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It’s not a secret that I love relationships.  I can sit & talk about them all night.  It’s always interesting to see other people’s perspectives on how the dynamics of a relationship should work & why they feel that way.  Unfortunately, I find a lot of people basing their opinions off of social media, which to me, is dangerous.  I’ve seen some of the most outrageous memes on both ends of the spectrum.  Women who post that if their man doesn’t pay for the first 50 dates, he’s a bum.  Men who postthat their woman has to look like Lauren London, fuck like Roxy Reynolds, always have her feet & toes done, work out, cook like their mama, twerk on command, not have any kids but accept their 16 toddlers, AND dress like a Fashion Nova model 24/7.  With all these damn standards, people still wonder why they’re fucking single.

I try to steer away from things like that.  Occasionally I’ll post a meme or two that really speaks to me, but other than that, it’s mostly jokes.  There have been so many men & women I’ve unfollowed because they posted a dumbass meme.

So is social media ruining the dating game?  Are we honestly expecting too much out of the people we’re seeing?  We post pictures of Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade with the caption “Goals,” but what exactly are we making the goal?  Let us not forget Mr. Wade had a damn break baby on Gabrielle, who is arguably one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.  Not only that, but his baby mother claims that Ms. Union is a freakin’ alcoholic and that’s why homeboy was out there just fucking any & everyone without a condom.  So is this what we want?  An alcoholic woman & a cheating, trifling (sorry, but not sorry Dwayne) man?  Really? This is what we call goals now?

As much as I love my generation, I have to admit, we’re becoming dangerously close to only caring about social status & looks.  & maybe this is how it was before our time, however, with everyone having a Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook, seeing other people’s lives is a lot easier.  I know couples who on social media, look so in love, but in person are whopping each other’s ass, cheating, & having multiple children outside of the relationship.  It’s a façade.

So what exactly is it do we want in a relationship? Love? Loyalty? Trust? Mutual interests in each other?

Someone who’s okay with you sticking your thumb in their butt?

It took me a long time to write this post, because I realized that I didn’t have an answer.  Like my mom said, all of my wants were just things that scratched the surface. 

Loyalty? Of course I want loyalty, but to what extent?  People just out here saying they want loyalty, not realizing you’ll fall in love with an idiot who is so loyal to you, they won’t even correct you when your ass does something wrong.  Go & get a DUI & your significant other over there calling everyone from the cops to the judge all kind of names because in their eyes, you can’t make a mistake.

“Girl, I know Jimmy went out & killed 6 children, 3 women, & Bishop Charles from church, but he’s my baby.  You know? I love him & the cops was out to get him anyways.”

Man, fuck that.

I want someone who is going to correct me when I’m fucking up.  Yes, be loyal—I don’t want you out here sleeping with Tammy, Ashley, & Portia.  But when I’m not doing things right, in & out of our relationship, correct me.  Tell me when I’m dead ass wrong.  & don’t be afraid to either.  Which is why communication is such a huge trait I look for.

I see so many couples complain about arguing & when I finally get a chance to ask them what their last argument was about, it’s always something so trivial that even I’m like WTF.  So y’all got into an argument because she left her flat iron out on the bathroom counter… Dassit?  You mean to tell me a simple, ‘hey bae, put your flat iron up’ couldn’t suffice?  You took all of her shit in the apartment, threw it out in the hallway, & kicked her dog because an argument that shouldn’t even have been a fucking argument went too far?

& yes, this is a real life story.

I think so many people end up single because they just don’t know how to fucking talk.  Communicate! It’s not that hard… you’ve made it this far in life without cursing out every person you’ve come across, why the hell are you doing it to the person you’re in a relationship with? What the fuck you got going on?

Of course I’ve been there.  I’ve actually lived it.  One time I got so mad at my ex over him coming in late after playing abasketball game, I cursed him out & kicked a whole in the wall.  Not one of my proudest moments, but I was young, dumb, & shouldn’t have been in a relationship with anyone at that time.

Now that I’m older, I find it so much easier to just talk out my shit.  I don’t have the patience to sit there & scream & yell.  I’m way past that now.  I might curse one or two times, but besides that, I’m over it.  & men who aren’t capable of articulating their thoughts, even in a disagreement, just aren’t for me.  & with my age range, I just don’t understand why that’s such a hard thing to do.  Why be with someone who you feel you can’t even talk to like a damn adult?  I wish I could ask my 21 year old self that.

I can also say that consistency is something that’s an absolute must.  I find when most people say consistency, they just mean someone who texts back quickly or is able to talk to you every single day…

Surface level much?

You see, I want someone who consistently shows me they’re a good person.  That’s not asking for a lot, right?

Wrong.

I once dated someone who treated the people who worked customer service like pure trash. Not only was this embarrassing, it was so fucking unnecessary & extremely unattractive.  Cursing out the hostess, cashier, waitress, cook, manager, owner, CEO, & the nigga who held the door open for you when you walked in does what exactly?  Besides show me you’re a shitty ass person who I don’t need to be with.

I honestly wish this was something I practiced when I was younger.  That, when someone shows you who they really are—believe them, quote is so true.  I’ve watched men show their true colors in the most simplest of ways.  Which is why I don’t trust any man who trashes the mother of their child, because at one point you laid down with her, fucked her raw, & proceeded to bring another being into this world.  If you can’t have enough respect for that woman to at least not trash talk her to someone as insignificant as me, then you probably won’t have enough respect for me when we get into a relationship.  At least that my thought process.

Here’s the thing, consistency shows me who you are.  It shows me if you are someone I could spend my time with & if you’re even worth my energy. Consistency shows me if I should trust or even depend on you. 

It goes without saying that trust is the end all be all.  I’ve been in a relationship where the trust was broken and it was like having a second job.  I did everything to try & catch him cheating again.  I went through his phone, broke into his Facebook, Google’d his name, followed him around.  It was disgusting & I will never do it again. From that I learned I cannot forgive you if you’ve betrayed me.  Call it a Virgo thing, a bitter woman thing… hell, you can even call it an insecurity, however, once I feel like I need to start questioning you on what the fuck you’re doing, I’m done.

Trust plays such a huge role into all of this.  If I can’t trust that you’ll call me out on my shit when I’m doing something wrong, then there’s no loyalty.  If I can’t trust you won’t blow up on me when I bring up how something you do upsets me, then our communication will forever be off.  If I can’t trust that I can depend on you, then you’re one inconsistent motherfucker.

See what I did there?

This is something I’ve never really had in any of my relationships.  I’ve never fully, 100% trusted the person I was with.  Why?  Because they showed me a part of themselves that I knew wasn’t right.  & yet I still stayed there, hoping it would change… & guess what? It never did.

I want someone to be my escape & my best friend.  In this fucked up world, it’s nice to know you have someone who will always be in your corner & have your back. Who knows when it’s time to check you & when it’s time to comfort you.

I want someone who I know will be there & ride for me when times get hard, because it will.  Someone who can share the weight of the world with me. 

You know, I model how I want my relationships off of my parents.  My mom & my step dad are like Jordan & Pippen.  Those two absolutely amaze me.  To this day, they act like high school sweethearts.  They still play fight, fuss, & argue like two people who have just fallen in love with each other. I’ve never seen them argue in front of me, even though I know they went through a rough patch once I joined the military & moved out.  But they still bounced back.  I watch them poke fun at each other all the time.  Hell, not even a week ago my dad was saying how he couldn’t wait to put my mother in an old folk’s home because she’s losing her mind & always fussing.

They still chase each other around the house & have date night.  My dad still buys her flowers & my mom still cooks & makes his plate for him, even though all the kids are out the house.  To hear my dad talk about my mom… it’s like he’s adores her.  I know he would never let anyone harm her, not even me!  He’s so overprotective of her & I love it.  Just knowing that my mom feels the same & is so passionate about it gives me hope.

Almost 20 years together & the only thing they have is love.  They didn’t have any kids together.  Just love, dedication, & devotion. 

So you can see why I love love & why I’m so passionate about relationships.  I know it’s possible & I know what I’m looking for is out there.  I just wish it would hurry up & get here…

Sort of…

Just because the anticipation is killing me…

J

- BSG