this too...

So, look.

Never did I think I would say I am depressed & actually mean it.

I can admit that at times... Well, majority of the time, I am a drama queen.  If I stub my pinky toe on the side of a chair, you can bet everyone & their damn mother will know that shit hurt.  I can't help my dramatics sometimes.  But I can decipher when I'm blowing things out of proportion or really, truly hurt.  & for the last couple of months I've been in this funk that I can't seem to get out of.

When the holiday season came around I chalked up my moodiness to not being able to go home.  Being across the world away from your family is hard, especially when you're in a country that isn't even your own.  I got over it, sort of.  I pushed it to the back of my mind & continued on with life because in the end, it goes on.  But slowly I started to realize that even though life went on, it seemed to be dragging me up & down the street & whooping my ass, 24/7.  Some days more than others.

Once the holiday season passed & my mood didn't change, I realized that I was truly unhappy.  It seemed like every single thing someone did to me was personal.  I'd wake up miserable & couldn't wait to go back to sleep.  I dreaded going to work & interacting with people.  I pretty much locked myself in my room & hid under the covers until it was time for me to go to work.  & when I tried to talk to other people about it, they just didn't get it.  They said I'd get over whatever was bothering me.  ...Or worse, that it wasn't that serious.

I think one of the worst things you can do is tell someone that what they're going through is not that serious.  I really try my hardest NOT do that.  Just because something doesn't seem like that big of a deal in your world, doesn't mean it's not that big of a deal in someone else's. & just because they don't react to it the way YOU would doesn't mean they're overreacting. 

Lately, I've been finding myself in situations that I regret. If life had a rewind button, I'd be stomping on it repeatedly.  It sucks when you can look back & know exactly when & where you went wrong.  It's not a gradual change, it's just that one moment where you said too much or did too little.  If I could go back, I most definitely would.

Awhile ago, I had a conversation with a friend & he told me straight up, that I cannot let stuff go.  & that's my biggest flaw.  Funny thing about it, when he told me that, I couldn't let it go for weeks.  It really bothered me, because I took it personal.  I didn't realize he was telling me this to actually help me & that he was very, very, very right.

If you hurt me, I'll never let it go.  I'll shut down & cut you off & drop off the face of this earth.  It's a childish trait that I have & I'm constantly working on it.  Very rarely have I've ever gone to a person & straight up told them that they've hurt me. 

& even though majority the times I have done it, it has resulted in a positive outcome, I seem to only focus on the negative ones.  & that's why I shy away from letting someone know that they've hurt me, because if you have hurt me, it's because I actually care for you.  Random criticism & insults from people who don't know me doesn't matter, but criticism & insults from people I value do.  I have such a huge fear of confronting people I care about.  It's another childish trait of mine that I'm consistently working on.

It wasn't until the last couple of days that I really stepped back & took a look at myself.  & I mean really look at myself.  I realize that I dwell so much on the negative & push everything else to the side.  It's a wonder why I've been playing footsie with depression.  When you wallow in your insecurities, disappointments, & let downs that's what happens.

I mean, it's a dark place when that's all you think about.  I found myself completely unmotivated.  Like I said, I would hardly get out of bed.  Just recently I actually couldn't find an appetite & went days without eating a full meal.  I dropped 6 pounds in one week just by stressing myself out.  Insomnia plagued me, I was getting literally two hours of sleep every night & when I finally did find myself sleeping, it would be for 12 hours plus.

I felt like my body was completely shutting down.  I was miserable & I really felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to without seeming like I was whining.  I couldn't write because I didn't even know what to write about.  I didn't even know why I was so upset, I just know I was very dark.  So I shut down as well.

I pushed away a lot of friends & a lot of my friends pushed back.  Those are the people I know who are true & I love them dearly for that.  A lot of people thought I was upset about me disconnecting with my potential love interest & that's my fault for not correcting them. They were wrong.  I wasn't happy prior to that.

It wasn't until I saw my weight loss that I knew something had to give.  I'm all for losing weight but dropping 6 pounds in 5 days scared me, especially because I knew it was because I wasn't eating. 

So, I decided to make a change.

It's very hard to change your train of thought from focusing on the negatives to embracing your positives.  But it's possible & it works, trust me.   I realized that I doubt myself so much even though my successes are right there in black & white.  I'm so critical of myself & at times I'll find that I feel like I don't even deserve to focus on my positive when there are so many negatives things I need to change. 

But fuck that. 

You are your biggest cheerleader.  You can't depend on anyone else for your happiness.  Ever.  People will let you down, it's a part of life.  So instead of throwing all of your energy into people, throw all of your energy into the shit you're good at.  Throw your energy into improving yourself.  Fall in love with yourself, flaws & all. 

Be.

Happy.

You have a test coming up? Throw your energy into studying your ass off.

Don't like what you see on the scale?  Throw your energy into the gym.

Hate your job? Find something that will get you through the day.  Anything at all. 

Got into a fight with your friend?  Throw your pride to the side & resolve it.

Broke up with your boo?  Sorry for saying this, but fuck them.  If it's meant to be, it will be.  If not, oh well.  You're amazing anyways.

Just let go of all those negative vibes & put a smile on your face.  Let. It. Go.   I for one know that you can't fake happiness & hide your pain, but I know you can find happiness & forget your pain. It's a long road to travel & I am getting there.  Just by focusing on the positives.  & if I can do it, I damn sure know you can.

I will never forget when I was in high school & was going through a tough time, my father told me that this too shall pass. Regardless of who or what you believe in, you can't tell me that saying isn't true.  No feeling is permanent, always remember, this too shall pass.

 

 

Smile (:

BSG