envious.

As much fun as I'm having on this cruise, apart of me got hit with a pang of... jealousy?  Seeing so many young couples drinking & all booed up struck a nerve with me. & while I'm happy with being single right now, it just made me realize that this may be my future for the next couple of years. Just me, myself, & I.


That sounds more miserable then I intended.


But seriously, it's the truth. I've touched on this before, but I'm sure there's not one man on this earth who's okay with dating someone across the world & who could potentially be away from them for the next three years. & while I'm so excited to take this next step & finally do what I've been wanting to do for years--TRAVEL--I feel like I really shot myself in the foot when it comes to establishing a real relationship.


& I guess that's where that jealousy came from. It's even a legit fear, like is this going to be me for the rest of my life? 27 is young, but by the time I finish my tour in England, I'll be 30. With no husband or a kid.


No kid! That's another thing. It's not even that I feel like I should be settling down right now, but my biological clock is ticking... & I feel the judgment whenever people ask me if it's just me. The whole "Are you married? Do you have kids?" question happens more & more. Hell, some people ask me that before they even ask me how I'm doing.


It's funny because I battle with this feeling like I have enough time to settle down & that I need to hurry up & find a husband. It's exhausting, honestly.


People look at me crazy when I say I prefer long distance relationships & maybe it's just me saying it because I realize that may be my reality. But I honestly do because it gives me time to myself & to build. I can miss you & look forward to the next time I see you. & FaceTime dates are fun as hell. Call me a dork, but I like getting dolled up just to video chat. LOL.


In a perfect world, I'd travel with my babe. Go on trips by myself & with him. See the world & make love in different cities. I've found that taking trips seems to bring people closer. I'm not sure where my obsession with going out of the country came from, but I'd be happy just to go on a road trip  in the US, honestly. Just to sit & talk about random shit (well I would have to find a man I could talk random shit with). Explore each other's minds & just be fucking happy.


I'm realizing how much I've grown & just how far I've came in the past couple of years & I'm ready to share that with someone.


Yikes! This cruise really has me tripping. LOL.