raw thoughts | volume 1.

1. I'm extremely sexually frustrated.

Way to start off, huh? But it's true. I miss sex. Abstinence is great because the fear of pregnancy is nonexistent.  Even if that time of the month is a few days late, I can always be sure it's not because I'm with child. Which is great.

However, I'm struggling. & I don't mean I miss meaningless, pointless sex. I could get that easily although I've never been one for casual encounters.

I miss intimacy.

I miss the touch of someone I care about, someone who cares about me. For the past couple of days I've been going through it. My hormones don't know which way is up. I feel like a teenage boy. & it took a minute for me to admit that I just really miss sex because I felt I was weak for it. I'm not sure where I got that abstinence meant I was supposed to be a fucking machine with no feelings whatsoever, but I figured that keeping my self busy would eliminate my urge for sex. Clearly, I was wrong.

I know why I decided to hold out & I haven't lost sight of the bigger picture. Finding someone I'm compatible with who plans on staying in my life longer than a season means way more to me than my horniness... I just wish he'd hurry up & get here already because even masturbation isn't working anymore.


2. Black men, I honestly do not give a fuck if you don't date black women. Save the explanation for your disappointed mother, not for Twitter.


3. Often times I feel like my career causes me to be a burden when it comes to relationships. Since I've sworn off military men (judge me, I don't care), dating a civilian man is becoming more of my reality. Because of that, I'm faced with being in a long distance relationship.

Personally, I prefer long distance. I know how I am when it comes to relationships & being away from the person I'm dating suits me. It gives us both space, which is something I enjoy. Between my moods & need for solitude, sometimes I just want to be alone. Long distance gives me that option.

But at the same time, distance is hard & some people just won't do it. Often times I wonder if I'm going to find a man anytime soon, especially with my next assignment. Korea is 14 hours ahead of America & an expensive ass plane ticket. What man would want to deal with that?

Not only that, but Korea has this stigma of partying & fucking. Although that's the furthest thing on my mind, trust plays such a huge role into dating. I'm not sure I can find someone who would let all of those thoughts go.

Not to mention the communication that would have to take place, the effort on both sides, the mutual understanding... I just feel like I won't find anyone who would want to put up with all of that.

So I'm looking forward to being forever alone


4. The next time a family member asks me if I have a boyfriend/fiancé/husband yet, before they ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to curse them out. Not only is it rude, it's fucking annoying. Then to follow up with the 'I feel sorry for you,' "oh" is even more infuriating.

Or even worse, "why?" What the fuck do you mean why? Because I don't want one & I most certainly don't need one. Now if I were to turn around & ask why this is the 14th man you've brought to a family gathering in the last ten years or how come your wife's musty wig is sitting sideways, I'd be wrong right?


5.  I think it's funny how the guys I went to high school with look like ass now. & these were the same guys I thirsted after & who didn't pay any attention to me. Don't try to slide in my DMs now, love. I don't want to be baby mother number 4.


6. Why do people lie when dating? I for the life of me will never understand. One of my close friends found out a guy she was talking to had a whole fiancé that he forgot to mention.

An entire fiancé.

What was the point of that? Why waste someone's time? Leave people the hell alone if you have another situation.

You have to excuse me, because I just don't understand the mind of a cheater. I've personally never cheated before. & up until 7 years ago, I thought cheating was just some made up, dramatic shit people did on reality tv.

However, in my mind, if I'm dealing with someone, I honestly only have the energy for that one person. Hell, even if I'm "talking" to someone, I tend to cut my other options off. One, to keep it simple & less messy. & two, once again, just don't have the energy to be dealing with multiple people. If I'm interested in you, then congratulations, you don't have to worry about anyone else catching my eye while you have my attention. Stupid on my part? Yes. I'm working on it though.

So why someone would lie while dating someone else is totally beyond me. More power to you for having the ability to juggle multiple people. I could never do it. I'm too lazy, honestly.


7.  I'm turning 27 in three weeks & the fear that I won't have a child crosses my mind daily.

I've hardly spoke on this, because I'm afraid of speaking things into existence. One of my biggest fears is that I won't be able to carry a child.

I honestly don't know where this came from. Perhaps because there's been times where I'm almost for certain known I should've gotten pregnant & I didn't. It's always been a thought in the back of my head, like with my luck, I probably won't even be able to have a child. & the thought just continued to grow until it became a legitimate fear.

Also, a few years back my mother got a hysterectomy & said her biggest fear was, "What if you couldn't have children & you needed someone to carry your child for you? I wouldn't be able to do it & you'd have to go through a stranger."


Talk about weird ass signs.

So yes, I'm terrified that the day I plan on having a child with the man I love will never come. I would be devastated. I honestly think that is the one thing that would break me.


8. I'm not sure why I'm so candid tonight but I'm not going to edit this post. I like it raw... the post, that is. Anyways, excuse any grammatical errors.


9.  I overthink entirely too much. I don't think that's something I'll ever grow out of. I can make up all kinds of scenarios in my head. Some are really, really great--some are shit.  I just like to be prepared for any & all things.


10.  I don't like that I get so excited when I genuinely like someone, which is rare might I add.

Getting excited leads to expectations which eventually leads to disappointment.

Damn I'm tainted.

I'm just being honest. I hold back so much because I don't want to seem like an over eager goofball, but I also don't want to be upset when I find out the person is just a big bag of ass. That infatuation & honeymoon phase can be a bitch. This person seems so great until you find out they beat women or kill cats in their spare time.

Seriously, every guy I've dated in the past year has had some serious ass flaw that I found out about a few months in. & I'm not talking about something I could work with, like oh he's just stubborn. I'm talking about a suicidal drunk, an over emotional, temperamental, too attached 25 year old father of three, & someone who was legitimately addicted to porn.

& you see why I won't date military men.

I have a way of picking some fucking weirdos.

So yes, if you have some huge character flaw, do me a favor & don't slide into my DMs... not like anyone does anyways. :|