the one who got away.

I used to check your Instagram almost every week, sometimes even more, just to see if you were still with your new girlfriend. & everytime I would get knots in my stomach because I knew what I would find. 

You were still with her.  

It got to the point where I just stopped, cold turkey. I was tired of putting my self through that torture. Nothing was going to change. You looked happy & she looked happy. & I hated you both for it. Funny, right? 

Majority of my relationships ended because the other guy was a fuck boy. But with you, it was completely my fault.  I was such a terror, I commend you for sticking with me as long as you did. Apart of me blames it on the fact that when we were younger, you put me through hell. I cried so many tears over you. We were off & on for almost ten years, solely because you were afraid of commitment. You would be so hot & cold, & it killed me. 

When you finally decided you were ready for a relationship, I was stationed in Turkey. You flew all the way to that god awful country just to ask me to be your girlfriend again. Estatic wasn't even the word. I had finally got my man. My soulmate. You were the one. 

Or at least you were supposed to be.  

What followed was 9 months of pure hell. I was a brat, picking fights with you for no reason whatsoever, just because someone pissed me off at work. We were spending crazy money on plane tickets to fly each other back & forth. We made that stupid ass promise to see each other every other month, which left us both broke. I hated your female best friend because I felt like she tried to play me. You slept with her cousin prior to me, so it was fuck the whole family at that point. I hated the fact I had gained 50 pounds in Turkey & couldn't lose the weight to save my life, so I push my insecurities on you. I would go days & days without speaking to you because you did something to piss me off. You were my only friend since I had just been stationed in Texas & wasn't really interested in making friends. Whenever you took too long to answer my text, I cursed you smooth out. 

Why the fuck did you stay with me? I was a complete bitch. 

I can't believe that this was only two years ago. Looking back, I'm embarrassed with how I acted during & immediately after our relationship. I cringe just thinking about it.

When we broke up, I was devestated, completely broken. My life revolved around you & our relationship, so when you left I didn't really have anyone else. Subsequently, I lost 15 pounds in a week because I refused to eat. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't go to work. I couldn't function. 

& the funny thing is, I was the one who broke up with you.

In a crazy, bitchy, psychotic way, I did it just to push the envelope. Picking fights wasn't working anymore, so I ended it. I can't even remember what the argument was over, I just know I ended it. 

I tried to reconcile a few days later, like nothing ever happened, & of course you said no. Actually, you said absolutely not. & that you had fallen out of love with me a few months prior & it took this break up to get you to realize that. 

So there I was, crushed.  

I begged, pleaded, cried, bargained, everything you could possibly think of. I even contemplated getting out of the military to move back home to be with you. I was at the lowest of lows & all I could do is blame myself. 

I didn't deserve you.  

Looking back, there's so many things I wish I could've changed. I wouldn't have even gotten back with you because we didn't belong together. You were trying to right your wrongs & do right by me to make up for your past mistakes. & I took advantage of that. We were doomed from the beginning. 

I still love you. I always will love you, because you were my first love. & we built a friendship, that unfortunately will never be repaired because of my actions. & I'm okay with that.  

This last Tuesday was my first time coming home in two years. I can honestly say I avoided it because I was so terrified of running into you. Not because I still want you, but because I'm so embarrassed with how I acted.  

So no... I don't hate that you're happy. I'm glad you're happy. I love that you have a new girlfriend. You deserve it. I've watched you grow from a scared little ass boy who was terrified of commitment to a grown man who has flourished with his relationships. 

I'm just mad at how I treated you. & coming home made me realize that.  

Unfortunately, pride won't ever let me reach out to you. I've moved on & so have you. I just don't have it in my heart to revisit a door that's been closed.   

So I guess this is my apology.  

Love, BSG 💕