the a word.


Every time I say it, the reactions are priceless. I get looks of shock, confusion, anger, & sometimes even pity. I have a friend who said she was ashamed of me when she heard me say it. Men instantly find me unattractive & women think I'm crazy.

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When I decided to embark on this long, dry road I knew it would be hard. I knew there was going to be people in my life who were flabbergasted.  I mean, I am withstanding from the very thing that seems to make the world go round.

 Sex.

I was told that most people remain abstinent because they're forced to. They're not in a committed relationship or seeing anyone at the current moment, so they're automatically enrolled in the school of abstinence. Which is easy, because you're not faced with the temptation. It's easy to say no if you don't even have to say it at all.

I don't want to say that I was forced to refrain from sex, because if I wanted it, I could easily get it.  It's the same for a relationship, if I truly wanted to be in one, I would be in one. It's the fact I just don't want to. I'm not interested in either right now. & I'm perfectly okay with that.

My last relationship was a doozy. I took the break up hard, however, it made me realize so many things. I've given myself to men who didn't deserve it. Yes, I know this seems to be a consistent theme in my writings, but it's true. & it's my fault. I just didn't love myself enough to stick to my standards.

This is not to say I've slept around, but even if I have, it's gotten me nowhere. The older I get, the more I realize that a person's body count doesn't fucking matter. I know women who have slept with 50+ men who are currently married & men who are virgins who can't find a stable relationship to save their life. Me choosing to refrain from sex has nothing to do with me trying to preserve my "numbers" & everything to do with me trying to preserve my very being.

I can't have causal sex. I've never been capable of doing it. I haven't tried, but I know I'm just not built for a one night stand. & I'm jealous of anyone, man or woman, who can do it. I feel like it would be liberating, having sex with someone you know you won't ever see again. But things like that terrify me.

Maybe I haven't taken control of my sexuality or maybe I'm just not mature enough. Hell, maybe I'm fucking stupid. But I want to have sex with someone I know cares, loves, & appreciates about me. It is so much more than just reaching an orgasm or getting one off. It's a connection. There is no better feeling on earth than looking into the eyes of the man who's inside of you. Knowing he's touching such an intimate spot. Just being wrapped up together & in sync.  The moans & the heavy breathing. The touching & caressing. The soft kisses on...

Too explicit? My bad.

But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it. My friends tease me constantly because every frustrating moment or angry outburst is blamed on my lack of sex. & sometimes I wonder if they're right. Does sex really have that big of control on me that when I go without it, I'm a complete bitch?  Or is it just an easy copout?

I know this. Sex is huge. People like to downplay it & say it's not, but it is. Everywhere you go, you're either seeing it, hearing it, thinking about it, or doing it. Our society makes sure of that.

I want the next person I share my body with to be the last. I want him to know how much I treasure sex & what it means to me. I can't say if I'm going to wait until marriage, because I don't want to set myself up for failure, however I know I'm done giving that part of my life up to men who don't deserve it.

So pray for me. Pray I get some discernment up in this bitch (sorry God, you know my heart).

BSG