I think it's obvious I've been in some pretty shitty relationships & when they end, I tend to look back like why didn't you walk away at this point? The red flag was there, girl. God literally showed you this person's true colors, yet you still stayed.
I've said before, I am an extremely loyal person, to a fault. I tend to want to stay in situations that I know are bad for me, only because I want to prove to that person how loyal I am. I want to show them that while everyone may give up on you, I won't. I'm here & I have your back. I'm not going to do anything to make you question me because I'm devoted to this relationship--be it with a significant other or a friend.
So at what point does loyalty become stupidity?
In the past, I've been accused of walking away from relationships because of the most simple things. In hindsight, I realize it's because I was trying to protect myself. I didn't want to get to the point where I was blinded by my "loyalty". I'll admit, I've missed out on some good men because of this. The fear that I may end up brokenhearted overshadowed my fear of missing out.
However, I've been in plenty of relationships where I overlooked the small things just for the hell of it. & those small things slowly snowballed into huge things. I've had men who, like in the situation above, tested my loyalty. They tried to test my faithfulness & my love, just to see if I was as serious as I said I was. & at the end of the relationship, I always look back & ask myself why?
Why wasn't my word good enough? Why did he have to accuse me of doing something so out of my character? Why did he watch me pull out my phone, show my text messages, my social media, my entire life for him to believe that I was serious when I said I loved him? What made him think that that was okay? What made him feel like he could do that to me? Watch me cry & plead, only to know in the back of his mind that this was a test. A pop quiz. One I didn't deserve.
A lot of people may think that if their significant other accused them of doing something they knew they weren't doing, they would walk away. But would you? Honestly, would you chuck up the deuces that easily? Or would you go through great lengths to prove to them that you weren't doing anything, because in your heart of hearts, you knew you're right?
I can say, when this happened to me, things never went back to how they were. Even though I was innocent & he knew I was innocent, I started to resent him. I felt like I was walking on egg shells in my own relationship. The safe haven that we had built had been destroyed. It wasn't that he accused me of being disloyal, it was he accused me as a test. He did it knowing very well that I had never stepped out on him. It was like he just wanted that power over me, to feed his weak ass ego.
I realize that I have entertained many broken men. Men who put up this front that they have everything together, but after dating for a few months, they quickly show who they really are. & as I'm on this journey to figuring out why every relationship I've been in has failed so miserably, I'm starting to see that I attract what I am.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm putting the pieces back together. It's the best thing I can do for myself, especially if I ever want to find love again. I just hope that the next person I meet is doing the very same thing, because for the love of God, I can't take another broken man.
So even though I thought I passed his pop quiz, by going through great lengths to prove I wasn't doing anything wrong, I failed my own quiz by allowing him to push his insecurities on me.
Loyalty should never, ever equal stupidity.