I did everything right this time.
I was patient. Which for me, is huge. I waited to bring him around my friends & family. I set my standards, I didn't waiver. I made sure he met all of my expectations & that he remained consistent. & consistent he was.
He was a gentleman. He was sweet. He had goals. He matched my motivation. He wasn't a complete jackass like some of the idiots I've came in contact with as of late. I was genuinely happy, because it seemed as if I finally had gotten it right.
I was wrong.
At this point, I'm not hurt anymore, I'm disappointed. & not at him, but myself. For the first couple of weeks, I was in a state of shock, & really just going through the motions of life. But now? It's hit me--I am back at square one & I don't know how I got to this point.
To be quite frank, as of late, my love life has been trash. High school & college, I always picked the good guy. Cheating, arguing, & fighting was so foreign to me. Looking back, I can see how naive I was. I was young, yes, but I truly had no idea how unhealthy a relationship could get. Fast forward to the last couple of years & something has been off. I have dealt with just about every single toxic relationship you can think of.
I stopped updating this blog about three years ago, because I had gotten into a relationship with my high school sweetheart. When it ended, I took it extremely hard. Although looking back, the break up was all of my fault, I just couldn't accept that it was done. I made the mistake of building my entirely life around him & once it ended, I just couldn't take it. I fell into a very bad depression.
A terrible depression.
I mean, I lost 15 pounds in a matter of a week. I didn't leave my bed for four days. I had random crying spells, I called out from work, I didn't eat. I did some things that I'll take to my grave. That break up was definitely not one of my proudest moments.
Love lesson number one? Never, ever need a man.
I jumped into another long term relationship shortly after that. & while he was a great man, I just wasn't ready. & I honestly think he wasn't ready either. We met in such a nontraditional way, we just weren't ready. But we kept holding on until shit hit the fan. Do I think he could've been the right one at the wrong time? To this day, I don't know.
I do know that we lasted a lot longer then we should have. We shouldn't have continued to push the relationship simply for the sake of love. We became toxic, quickly. & maybe if we would've thrown in the towel early on, we could've saved it at a later time.
Weirdly enough, we've managed to build a friendship just recently, but I think we both know we could never go back to where we used to be.
Love lesson number two? Learn when it's time to let go.
& three? Take time to heal, before you try to move on.
From then, it's been a couple of "flings". I hate to call it that, but honestly, I don't have a better word for it. I've dated several men who I had no business giving my time or energy to. Men who didn't even come close to my standards. Men who I saw potential in, but didn't even give a fuck to see the potential in themselves. It was such a waste, because I gained nothing from them. They all left me jaded & disheartened. Even now I look back like, B what in the entire fuck were you thinking?
Love lesson number four? A person's potential really ain't shit. Majority of the time it's not their potential you're seeing, it's a reflection of the partner you honestly wish you had.
This dating game is tough. It ain't for the fainthearted. However, I lost myself trying to find a man. I was out here searching & settling, for no damn reason. Simply because I wanted someone to bring around my friends & family. & I'm not even sure how I got to point.
God has a way of making you hearing him. Repeatedly I've been told, you need to be alone. & every time I fought it. I went against it over & over, & I honestly don't know why. But every time it left me flat on my ass.
& that's when I found myself not even stressing about men or relationships. Where I once craved a significant other, I now crave learning more about me & how far I can go. I have never felt this way before, where I have absolutely no desire to find a relationship or even be in one for that matter. I'm so happy with myself, my amazing friends, traveling, & being a single, childless, twenty three year old woman.
The moments where I laugh so hard until my face hurts trumps being in a relationship for me.
The inside jokes & memories I create with my girls trumps being with 'the bae' for me.
The nights I spend twerking until I sweat my hair out trumps laying in bed, watching movies with a 'him' for me.
My late night talks with God trumps spending three hours on the phone with a boyfriend for me.
Finding out more about Brittani Simone Gaines will forever trump finding out about any other person on this earth for me.
My priorities have shifted. I no longer need a significant other & at this point in my life, I don't want one either. I truly know what it means to feel complete, to wake up in the morning & just be content. There's a peace in knowing that no matter what you don't need anyone, especially when it comes to a romantic relationship.
I wrote this three years ago. What happened? How did I get so far off track that now when I read those words, it sounds completely foreign to me? I used to be so strong, so independent. & now I feel weak, like I lost my backbone. I don't even know this woman I've become. What the fuck happened?
I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of being back at square one. & it's hard for me to write this, because I've became the very person I despise. The person who feels like they need a relationship to feel validated. The person who jumps from relationship to relationship. The person who doesn't have an identity outside of the person they're dating. & I don't know where everything got fucked up. I don't know how I became this woman & I hate it. What the fuck happened?
When I say I'm done with dating, it's not because I'm bitter. I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore. How could I possibly try to build something with someone when I have nothing to give my damn self?
I have to get back to that woman who wrote those words above.
I need to.
& I will. I'm promising myself I will.
Love lesson number five--Love yourself before you love anyone else.