Especially when it comes to the opposite sex because I'm such a hopeless romantic.
An idealist lover.
A sentimental dreamer.
I love love. I love the idea of it, but I have yet to get it right. I have yet to get in a relationship & actually get it right. It's either the wrong person... The wrong time... Or it's just plain wrong all together. How ironic is that? That someone who is so consumed with the idea of love can't get the shit right.
Several months ago I made my first blog post & started what has now turned into my baby, abrownskingirl.com. January 13, 2014 I typed the above, pouring my heart out into my keyboard. I had just gotten out of a situation with someone I held at a very high regard & pretty much still do. & at the time, I still believed in love. I still had this whole fairytale picture in my head. I believed that gentlemen still existed, courting still existed& true love most certainly still existed.
For twenty three years I've never given up on the idea that my soul mate is floating around this earth waiting for me. I have this whole picture in my head. He's handsome, tall, & smells amazing. He holds himself to a certain standard, not allowing himself to be with just anyone. He enjoys conversations outside of sex & material things. He strives to be a better person every single day & while he's not perfect, he tries. I can see him, accepting that right now, a relationship doesn't fit into his life. But once he meets the one, all of that will change & he'll be ready to accept what I have to offer & more.
Unfortunately, this picture no longer exists.
& as I write this, I can feel myself get very emotional.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have completely given up on love. I've given up on commitment & the idea of monogamy & it's broken my heart. My picture is completely shattered.
Over the past couple of months, I have watched my friends get played to the left. One of my closest friends was involved, unknowingly, with a married man. A married man with a child. A WHOLE CHILD. I watched him hang out with her, take care of her when she was drunk, be there for her, & this whole time he had a family that he wasn't claiming.
How fucking pathetic can you be?
To not claim your wife is one thing, but to just totally disregard your child? It's disgusting. & by the time my friend found out, it was too late. He was gone & the damage was done. Once he left, it was like he disappeared into thin air. He returned back to his wife & child, his family, without a care in the world & he left my friend heartbroken, confused, & on her ass.
Another one of my friends is dealing with a man whole treats her like absolute shit. He's verbally abusive & says the most hurtful things to her. I've watched this man completely belittle her, all because she refuses to be in a relationship with him. & while she's pregnant with his child, she has no other option but to deal with his immaturity but to hear what he says to her makes me sick to my stomach. This is the mother of your child & you have the nerve to fix your mouth to call her a bitch.... How dare you?
I have another friend who recently found out the man she's been in a seven year relationship with has been involved in another relationship for over four years. She dedicated three years short of a decade to this person, only to find out he spent over half of the relationship with another woman.
I know some of you may read these stories & come up with all sorts of excuses, reasonings, & side comments but at the end of the day, these men lied, cheated, & stole precious time from these women who did nothing but open their arms to them. Women who believed that these men were being true & faithful, women who believed that the men they were committing to would treat them right, only to find out it was all a façade & a bunch of bullshit.
& I won't put this all on men. I have heard of women being unfaithful, lying creatures as. Hell, I've seen it with my own two eyes. Women at the club in a dark corner making out with Mr. Stranger, only to turn around the next day & show up at the grocery store with their husband & child. Women are just as guilty as men when it comes to living double lives, unfortunately men just carry the bad reputation.
I guess I'm coming to terms with the fact that this generation isn't here for commitment. They aren't here for the dating, the courting, the getting to know you phase. They aren't here for the let's wait to have sex, let's talk about life, question each other about our childhood, & stay up all night just to talk. Spend the night with each other with absolutely no intentions on having sex, just to get to know one another, because we all know that once the sun goes down that's when people tend to spill their hearts. This generation isn't here for deep talks & picking each other's brains.
They're here for the sex, the fucking, the pussy chase.
I want to stay up all night, sit on the kitchen counter, and talk to my boo about the universe. I want to travel with my boo, go all around the world while getting to know each other on a whole other level. People seem to think that intimacy stops short of penetration & that's the damn problem.
Intimacy is more then you smashing. It's more than me having to ride you. Intimacy is emotional. It's being who you are when the lights are off & you're by yourself, but with someone else. It's peeling back those layers, those walls you've built over time, & just being you straight up. No chaser, no apologies, no explanations. It's allowing someone to come in & get to know you. The real you.
In my last blog, I spoke about double standards. I still stand strong on that. If you are a single person, sleeping with other single people, ENJOY IT. Please do, but be upfront about your intentions. If you have no intentions on falling in love, getting into a serious relationship, meeting their parents, LET. THEM. KNOW. Stop perpetrating just to get into someone else's bed. It's lame as fuck & you look pathetic trying to do it.
In my blog before that, I expressed how right now, I'm not looking for a relationship. Since then, it's been something I've been battling. While I do enjoy being by myself at this stage of my life, I still want to believe in love. I still want to be that hopeless romantic, but being surrounded by men & women who can't seem to remain committed is disheartening. I'm okay with being in love with myself, but at what point will I be able to share myself with someone who's worthy?
So for now, I'm giving up on love. I'm giving up on monogamy. & I've always been the one to tell my friends to keep pushing, that true love is somewhere out there. Your soul mate is SOMEWHERE out there. I had to tell them that, because it's something I truly believed in. Hell, I even believed my soul mate was somewhere out there playing Monopoly, purposely making me wait.
So here I am, writing this post, shedding tears. Twenty three years I've held onto this dream that commitment is attainable, but at this point in my life I just don't believe it anymore. It's like the Tooth Fairy, it magically appears when you're sleeping, but when you wake up it's gone.
I wanted to be the girl who had the wedding, the marriage, the kids. I wanted to be the girl who went through trials & tribulations with her man & even though sometimes things got rough, we held on regardless. I wanted to be the girl who repped for her boo. When those other men would try me, I would laugh, because I know what I have at home. I wanted to be the girl who craved being in his arms, my one & only. The one who ditches her friends to be with her man, because no club could amount to time spent together with him. I wanted to be the girl who wanted a man, not needed one. The one whose man knew that & respected it.
I wanted to be the girl who had a king, not some peasant trying on crowns for fun. I don't want a committed bachelor, I want a committed king. One to show these other fools that this shit you're pulling isn't cute, cool, or impressive.
But it looks like I'm not going to be that girl. Unfortunately, I can feel myself turning into the girl who is shutting down & completely giving up on love, commitment, faithfulness, & monogamy. & it's a terrible feeling.
Shout out to the committed bachelor. This one is for you.