Who would've thought that little ol' me would've found the one.
Ms. Can't Get Right. The hopeless romantic who's completely stupid & irrational. With my track record, who would've thought? But I did it. I finally found someone who completes me & makes me whole. & it's someone who's been there since day one, who's never left my side. Someone who I never would've even guess.
This person has let me down time & time again. Some of the biggest disappointments I've ever faced with came from them. & while they have let me down, they've also made me very proud. I've watch this person grow from an immature little kid into a grown adult with responsibilities. I've watch them make countless mistakes, even when I would give them advice, they would still ignore me.
They never could just listen, they always had to experience their lessons in order to learn. & when I would say 'I told you so', this person would be too prideful to admit I was right. I'd watch them continue through life, cocky as hell, until they'd fall completely on their ass.
Never did this person take accountability for their actions. It was always everyone else, never their fault. Victim this, sympathy that. I would tell them you can't hide behind everyone else for the rest of your life, but they would never listen.
The breaking point was when this person started to push everyone away, including me. But it didn't matter because I couldn't even stand to be around them. & as much as I loved them, I had to be honest... they had to grow up & fast, because it was getting to a point where they didn't have anyone left. Not even me.
If you haven't caught on, the person I fell in love with? The hardheaded, immature little kid? The cocky knucklehead turned adult?
Never could I ever say before that I loved myself. There were maybe a few things that I loved about myself, but me as a whole? Absolutely not.
As I look back, I realize I was truly addicted to relationships, even the toxic ones. I lacked so much self esteem that I looked to romantic relationships to fulfill that void inside me. Something about being with your boyfriend, knowing there is someone there, just comforted me. Sad, but no one said I was perfect.
While there have been very few relationships I have been in, I do realize that almost all of them were forced. Times when we should've broken up, we didn't. Times where I should've walked away, I didn't. It's like the men I were with were equally addicted. Every single last one of them. We weren't together for a long time because we were happy, it was because we were afraid; afraid to let each other go. Not even realizing we'd be so much more happier if we could just agree to be friends.
How shitty is that?
I imagine a relationship, a truly healthy one, isn't based on fear. Fear, anxiety, being forced to do anything -- I just don't see that in any relationship I would want to be in. & every single past relationship I have been in had at least one, if not all of those factors.
But let's not go into the past.
Let's discuss the present.
Recently I established a very healthy relationship, but with myself. Taking care of my body, achieving peace of mind, diving way more into my spiritual life. I've pushed myself further than I've ever gone before; mind, body, & soul. I've realized that instead of playing victim, turning my disappointments into life lessons is truly my blessing. I've lost twenty pounds, the healthy way, just by listening to my body. I don't think I've ever had such a clear mind in my entire life.
Things I took for granted several months ago, I thank God every single night for. There's no question He is real, my prayers have been answered, every single last one of them. Some might've taken longer than others, but He always showed up right on time.
My skin is clear. My waist is smaller. My smile is brighter. My nails are longer. My hair is thicker. It's like once I let go of every single negative thought & started to love myself, my body thanked me in every single way.
Things I would've gotten so angry or upset about months ago, I laugh about now. I had a potential love interest completely disrespect me. He wasted my time all because I didn't want to have sex with him. Instead of getting upset & throwing a fit or crying about it, all I could do is laugh. Not only did he show his true colors, he lost out me.
& that's when I found myself not even stressing about men or relationships. Where I once craved a significant other, I now crave learning more about me & how far I can go. I have never felt this way before, where I have absolutely no desire to find a relationship or even be in one for that matter. I'm so happy with myself, my amazing friends, traveling, & being a single, childless, twenty three year old woman.
The moments where I laugh so hard until my face hurts trumps being in a relationship for me.
The inside jokes & memories I create with my girls trumps being with 'the bae' for me.
The nights I spend twerking until I sweat my hair out trumps laying in bed, watching movies with a 'him' for me.
My late night talks with God trumps spending three hours on the phone with a boyfriend for me.
Finding out more about Brittani Simone Gaines will forever trump finding out about any other person on this earth for me.
My priorities have shifted. I no longer need a significant other & at this point in my life, I don't want one either. I truly know what it means to feel complete, to wake up in the morning & just be content. There's a peace in knowing that no matter what you don't need anyone, especially when it comes to a romantic relationship.
& though I have gone on dates recently, I just can't even see myself going there with anyone at this particular moment. I'm too busy enjoying myself.
Back when I used to call myself a Queen, it was kind of because it's the thing to do nowadays. I see more & more women refer to themselves as Queens, but do they truly believe it? I can say wholeheartedly, I didn't. It just sounded right. I never really truly felt like a Queen until now.
So hello world.
A beautiful, brown skin girl who's passion is writing. It's my thing, my greatest talent. I also love trashy reality TV, anything that's a carb, & have a naturally high, muscle booty. I recently received a mug with Beyoncé's bath water that I treasure with my life. I don't have a favorite color & every tattoo I have is a Lauryn Hill quote. No one can ever convince that God isn't real because we talk single every night.
I am very tender, but I am unbreakable.
I am a Queen.
& while my King may be somewhere out there sitting at a table, impatiently waiting on my arrival -- I am too busy dancing on top of the bar.
I have fallen in love with one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my entire life. Every single day I find out more & more about this beautiful person & I fall in love with them all over again.
& no one can love me more than I love myself.
Peace & Blessings,