It took me a long time to decide whether or not I was going to post this letter. I kept reading it over & over, trying to figure out if I should share it with others. Several reasons held me back, the biggest one was that our relationship was very near & dear to my heart. It still is. But I knew this letter would be dark... I knew it wouldn't be pleasant for me to write. & I knew it would hurt to open up because there were a lot of things that happened in our relationship that people had no idea about. I was scared to post this because it would put me in the position to be judged. But I also knew it would help a lot of people & that was my deciding factor.
Ex Lover, as you know, writing is my outlet. It's my 'thing'. It's the one thing I can hide behind when things get rough. It's one of the very few things I excel at. I can never verbalize my feelings the way I want but give me a pen & a pad & you'll understand exactly how I feel. You'll feel what I feel. No questions asked.
When we got together we wasted no time. Looking back, that's probably why our relationship was such a disaster. We never built a friendship. Our relationship was built on infatuation, lust, & immaturity. We immediately gave in to our physical attraction. When you asked me to be your girlfriend I hardly knew anything about you, but I knew how you made me feel. I was so naive. I didn't even realize I was infatuated with you.
That getting to know you phase is a motherfucker. It makes you think the person you're dating is perfect. It makes you excited & passionate. It clouds your judgement & your common sense. It makes the initial attraction so much more intense.
It's really just a bunch of bullshit.
I love a challenge & that's what you were. I was your first girlfriend, the first girl to hold your interest longer than 60 seconds. Foolish me. I felt so accomplished when we were finally official. All those other girls couldn't do what I did. I was wifey. I was special. I had ultimately won. I proved the myth wrong, I turned a hoe into a king. I managed to lock down a man who was known for being a player. & I was so fucking dumb.
Do you remember our first argument, Ex Lover? We were together officially for about two weeks. I was spending the night over your apartment when at damn near midnight someone called your phone. & once I saw how you reacted when that name popped up, I instantly knew it was another girl. A girl you wanted me to know nothing about, yet you still answered.
She asked you what you were doing, you said nothing. I believe the conversation continued... But all I remember is the tension in the room that initially, wasn't there. I remember how awkward you were talking into your phone. I remember you not even mentioning me, not to say you should have, but it still bothered me. Something wasn't right.
& when I asked you who it was, you lied without even thinking about it... You said it was your guy friend asking you about some music.
I knew it was a lie.
You knew it was a lie.
But you kept on with your story, expecting me to believe you.
I got so angry. How dare you lie to my face Ex Lover? You had no reason to. So I got up & stormed out of your apartment making sure to slam the door. In the middle of the damn night. & although we made up, that should've been my red flag. That should've been my sign to leave, to end it, because neither one of us were ready for the storm that we were about to create. Neither one of us were ready to handle the chaos we were about to cause in each others' life. We should've ran in opposite directions before it was too late.
But I was foolish.
From then on there were numerous girls I had to deal with. Each one hurting me more than the previous. It got to the point where I would pray your phone wouldn't ring because I didn't want to have that icky feeling at the bottom of my stomach. The one that makes you nauseous & instantly gives you a headache. Hearing your phone go off would cause my mood to instantly change regardless of who it was. The fact that it could be someone who could potentially take my spot made me sick.
You made me feel like I was battling for the top spot, like at any given moment any girl could swoop down & take my place. Have you ever been in a constant competition, Lover? It's like walking on explosive egg shells. One wrong move & that's it. You're done. There are no room for errors.
I could never make any mistakes & the mistakes I did make were magnified. You would do things that were totally disrespectful but I would swallow my pride & not say a word. I didn't want to upset you because it would cause an argument & give someone an opportunity to take my place. It drove me fucking insane.
Girls would flirt with you, you would flirt back. You'd tell me it didn't even matter because at the end of the day, you were with me. I shouldn't worry about harmless flirting.
I had never dealt with a partner who brought other females into the relationship. I didn't know how to deal with the stuff you did, especially because loyalty was such a huge trait for me. To me, the flirting you did wasn't loyalty, it was disrespect. & of all the people in my life, I felt you should've been the most loyal.
The constant women in our relationship took a toll on my self esteem. It took a toll on me. It made me question myself, made me wonder if I was as good as a woman as what I thought I was. I questioned my worth & found invisible flaws. It put me into a depression. It made me want to change everything about myself. Not to say that was your fault, Ex Lover, I should've told you to go fuck yourself. But I allowed it. I blame myself.
I don't want you to think I put all of our problems solely on you. I played a huge role as well. My temper would cause our arguments to go from 0 to 60 in a matter of minutes. I would do childish shit to piss you off; be passive aggressive, slam stuff, give you the silent treatment. I would post subliminal Facebook statuses knowing you would see them. Never would I address the situation at hand. I expected you to approach me.
I would always place the blame on you & never took responsibility for my actions. You would shut down causing me to become belligerent until finally I'd storm out
Our arguments went from talking in harsh tones to all out screaming matches. We would say terrible things to each other, trying to top what the other had said. I would throw things... Plates, shoes, glasses, anything to try & get you as furious as I was. I hated when you shut down, because you wouldn't talk to me. You'd ignore me & it would make me feel crazy, like I was completely out of my mind. & I would continue to rant & rave until you would tell me to get the fuck out of your apartment.
Our arguments became battles, Lover. All out battles.
& then we became physical.
I blame our first physical fight on me. I was drunk out of my mind. Do you remember what you did that night? You locked me out of your apartment & kept my phone. I had no way of getting home, no way of calling someone to come & get me. I stood outside for what seemed like hours until you finally got tired of me banging on your door & let me in. Then I snapped.
I don't remember too much from that night. I know I was screaming how much I hated you. I also know I kept hitting you. Punching, shoving, & slapping. I remember you trying to subdue me, pushing me on the bed & choking me until I begged you to stop. By the time you let go, the cops were at your front door.
We got away with it that night. I don't recall the conversation we had to get the cops to leave us alone, but I do know we were lucky. I ended up passing out on your bed while you slept on the couch. The next morning I felt like I had done a full body work out... I was so physically exhausted & mentally tired of the battles we continued to have with each other. I wasn't even sure how to resolve the current one we were in. I had never been physical with any of my past lovers. This was a first.
& once again this should've been a red flag, but I didn't take heed.
We didn't talk for a week. Not talking when we were angry with each other became a pattern as well. We would both be too prideful to fix the problem. & once we did get over a fight, we never discussed it. It would be like it never happened. Like painting over a hole in a wall. It's so obvious that the hole is there, but rather than patching it up, you paint over it thinking no one will notice.
Once that fight happened, Ex Lover, the gloves came off. We declared an all out war on each other. BSG vs Ex Lover. Arguments weren't used to solve our issues, they were used as weapons to hurt each other. It became who can hurt the other person more? Who can do the most hurtful thing?
How in the hell did we call this love? It was so God awful. It was sick. Still, neither one of us wanted to call it quits. We didn't want to let each other go, even though in all actuality we were enemies. We were destructive but yet we still loved each other.
There weren't always bad moments, there were good moments too. The trips we took out of town, the days we laid on the couch holding each other, the talks of our future, our inside jokes. You were the first boyfriend I could be completely silly with & not worry about judging me. We'd make up songs & dances, have freestyle battles, make up code names for each other... Do you remember when we flew out to Chicago? Although the trip was ruined halfway through because of our arguing, we still got to see the Bulls play. I will never forget those moments.
When things were good between us, they were amazing. Nothing or no one could replace what we had when we were on good terms. It was such a high. I will never forget that feeling & I honestly do miss it. No one could hold me like you held me, Ex Lover. No one could kiss me like you could. I was yours, you had all of me. Nothing could changed that.
But when things were bad, they were bad. Terrible. Horrible. Hell.
When we would make up, it was orgasmic. It's like we argued to make up. How sick is that? That we craved that high of making up so we would purposely hurt each other when we were on the outs. It was like we broke each other down, just to bring each other back up. We both knew how to hurt the other & we both knew how to make the other feel good. It was a fucked up equation & yet we continued to do it.
Then you took it too far.
The night I found out, we were in a good place. We had exchanged promise rings. We had made plans for me to spend Christmas with your family. I was on that high, but I knew something wasn't right. Intuition is a bitch, isn't it? It's always right. It never fails. Your intuition will always have your back.
I went through your phone & saw the texts & the pictures. I woke you up asking what the fuck were you thinking. You had this woman, her friend, & her child in your car. You were texting her like she was me. You were lying to her when you were with me. You met this woman's mom & you had yet to meet mine. You slept with her while still sleeping with me. You did the ultimate betrayal.
Several things happened that night. I realized how much I really did love you, how much of myself I gave to you. I was devoted. I foolishly & blindly trusted you, even though you weren't worthy of it. Though we spent majority of our time hurting each other, I loved you. But that night, you broke me.
When you're devoted to someone & they betray you, it's like they spit in your face. I never thought you would sleep with another woman. Why I didn't put it past you, I don't know... But I never thought you would.
For a whole month we didn't speak to each other. I went home to my family for Christmas & you went home to yours. When we finally made up, it was never the same. I was angry. I was hurt. I was angry that I was hurt & you caused it.
From then on our war got worse. I wouldn't let you forget what you did to me & you wouldn't let me forget I promised not to bring up the past. I now realize I should've left when you cheated. I wasn't equipped to handle a man who stepped outside of what was supposed to be a committed relationship. Hell, I wasn't equipped to handle a committed relationship.
Ex Lover, you know I have a hard time letting go. Every bad thing you did to me in the past was brought up in every argument & you hated it. Every argument we had was your fault & you hated that as well.
Why we didn't call it quits, I don't know.
We should've though.
After you cheated our lives consisted of me going through your phone, Facebook, & Twitter. I would search your apartment to find something, anything, that proved you had another woman over. I became obsessed. I would take small things & turn it into big things. I never wanted to leave your side because I thought if I was always with you, you wouldn't have a chance to hurt me again. I would question every single thing you told me. Trust was virtually nonexistent. I should've fucking left because by this time, we weren't partners... We were enemies.
Our relationship became my second time job. The bad started to outweigh the good. We had another physical fight that left me to have surgery on my foot & that was the day I made you promise me that if we ever put our hands on each other again, we would be done. We both agreed but what I didn't realize was that just gave us more ammunition to hurt each other with words. It gave us more ammunition to break each other down mentally & emotionally. & we took full advantage of it.
Our weekends would consist of us drinking, smoking, eating, & sleeping. Together we never did anything productive. I tried my hardest to make you a better man not realizing that I wasn't trying to improve you, but change you. I was trying to turn you into an one woman man, but in all actuality, you weren't ready. I should've known that you can't build a king, they build themselves. If you really wanted to be an one woman man, you would've committed to it. There was nothing I could say or do that could've change that.
Our relationship started to put a wedge into my relationship with my mother. Remember how upset I was, Ex Lover? I knew she didn't like you & for the life of me I couldn't understand. But when you have your daughter running to you damn near every week, crying because her boyfriend hurt her, it's understandable.
When we had our final fight, we should've known it was coming. It was so predictable. We were fed up with each other yet holding it all in. You were tired of me accusing you & I was tired of your disrespect. One of us was bound to snap, it was really only a matter of time. The question was who was going to snap first?
It was you.
& you let me have it. Punching, choking, shoving. You pushed me into the glass mirror in your room & shattered it. You did things to me that day that I will never forget. You hurt me.
& all I could think was B, how in the fuck did you end up in this situation?
You threw me out of your apartment with no shoes, no car keys, no phone, & in my pajamas. When you finally gave me my keys, I drove to my friend's house. She took one look at me & said she was calling the cops. Enough was enough.
& even then, I begged for her not to. I was still trying to look out for you, to remain loyal. I thought about your career, about you. I wanted her to let it go... I actually regretted going to her house, Ex Lover. I wanted her to understand that the fight was both of our faults. That it wasn't like you were beating me, we were actually fighting. I got my hits in too.
But she said it didn't matter. To get my shit because she was calling the cops. & not even an hour later I was at the precinct filing a report.
I still blame myself for how things panned out. They labelled you a woman beater even when I tried to tell them you weren't, that we were both just destructive, immature people. We weren't ready for what we wanted. We wanted a committed, loving relationship. We wanted to be soul mates. But we just weren't ready for it.
We didn't belong together.
When we broke up, it was devastating. It came out of no where & I wasn't expecting it. One day we were planning to go out of town, the next I'm filing a police report against you. I wasn't prepared for you to leave my life so abruptly. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye, which I suppose is a good thing considering we just didn't know how to end the relationship.
We made plans to get married, to have kids, to spend our lives together. In hindsight I realize how fucking stupid we were. Could you imagine bringing a kid into our war zone, Ex Lover? Can you imagine how fucked up that kid would've turned out? Thank God it ended when it did.
We were addicted to each other, Lover. We were addicted to the abuse, the fighting, the high, & the destructiveness.
We were addicted to hurting each other.
The scars left from our battles are still there. The countless disappointments. The distrust. The pain. It's still there. It's gotten easier with time but there are moments where I still find myself indulging in it. That addiction comes back & I think back to all the hurtful words said & all the hurtful things that were done. & I curse myself. Then I curse you.
See? I'm still the same. I'm still at war with you.
I now know when to walk away, Ex Lover. I know never to ignore the red flags, because they're there for a reason, to prevent getting hurt. & I cannot afford to be broken again. I can't put myself back into that place... That dark place where there's no hope, no dreams, no nothing. Just you.
It's a terrible place, Lover.
You're left to deal with those broken pieces. You're left to answer questions that the other person has the answers to. It's a pain so deep, that it's not just emotional, it's physical as well as mental.
You broke me & left me to put the pieces back together.
I don't think I can ever forgive you for that. Isn't that funny? Of all the hurtful things you did to me, I don't think I can forgive you for leaving me. Remember that high we had, Ex Lover? The one where we would destroy each other, only to turn around & make up? In the end you destroyed me, but you didn't come back to make up. You left me craving that addiction & I despise you for that. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy.
But I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there. I may never be whole again, but I'm way better than I was the day you broke me. I still have some of those same habits I had with you but now I catch myself when I do them. Sometimes I catch myself but it's too late, the damage is done. But now I can recognize my own destructive behavior. I didn't recognize it when I was with you because I thought it was the norm. I thought that was how two people in love were supposed to act. They loved hard, but fought harder. I was foolish, Ex Lover. & so were you.
& here's the crazy thing about all of this; I still love you.
& I always will.