breaking bad.

I'm foolish.

Very foolish.

I can admit that at times I do stupid shit that would put the dumbest person to shame.  Especially when it comes to the opposite sex because I'm such a hopeless romantic.

An idealist lover.

A sentimental dreamer. 

I love love.  I love the idea of it, but I have yet to get it right.  I have yet to get in a relationship & actually get it right.  It's either the wrong person... The wrong time... Or it's just plain wrong all together.  How ironic is that? That someone who is so consumed with the idea of love can't get the shit right.  Which brings me back to my original statement. 

I'm foolish.

My past relationship is nothing to write home about.  It was violent.  Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  It broke me.  There weren't arguments, there were wars.  When we fought, we went straight for the jugular.  There were no hold backs.  Nothing was off limits.  When we argued, we tried to hurt each other.  That was the goal.  & when words didn't work, we got physical.  It was a recurring cycle.  He did something to piss me off. I would say something to piss him off back.  He would come back with something twice as hurtful. I would try to top him.

We loved hard, but fought harder.

For two years we put up with each others abuse until a mutual friend stepped in & said it was enough.  Cops were called, & legally, we had to end it.

To say I was broken was an understatement.  I was a complete mess.  & even almost two years later, I still have scars from that relationship.  Scars on my body, scars on my heart, scars on my mind.  I loved him with all of me, every piece of my soul.  The foolish part of me still loves him.  But in the end he was all wrong for me.  We were wrong for each other.

So here I am.  Still a mess. Still trying to put the pieces back together. 

& then I met him.

Him.

Someone who, within a few months, changed my outlook for the better.  Though we weren't official, we were dating.  We connected, in the short amount of time we spent together.  He had his flaws... God, did he have his flaws.  But I accepted them... Because the positives outweighed the bad.

I shared things with him that even my best friend doesn't know.  He shared things with me... that I took for granted.  In hindsight, I realize I really should've appreciated it.  But I didn't.

I don't want this to be a typical, my insecurities pushed a good man away... Because it's so much more than that.  It's much more than girl meets boy, girl dates boy, girl pushes boy away because she's hurt from dating a fuckboy.  That is so cliche & this was real.  I don't want to cheapen what we had.

Small talks with him changed my attitude in every aspect, in a positive way.  Something I'm not used to.  He made me take a step back & look at myself.  Really look at myself. & he did all this without me even realizing it. 

We connected.  & I found myself thoroughly enjoying his company.  Noticing the little things he did... Admiring a man who was just that... a man.

There were plenty of reasons why we wouldn't have made it.  Reasons we talked about, but we both decided to see where it would go.  Because I believe we both knew that we could build something real.  It's rare when you find a connection with someone & enjoy their company.  It's even more rare when the feeling is mutual.

But the reasons were countless.

He was a 'hoe'.

He had past relationship issues.

I was/am childish.

I couldn't control what came out my mouth.

I could be extremely abrasive.

We were facing a potential long distance relationship.

But all of that didn't matter, because we connected.  The feelings were there.

When I look back, I see where I went wrong.  Where I allowed myself to get insecure. But I refuse to make any excuses.  I refuse to be a woman who blames past experiences on her current actions, but I did push him away. 

I expected him to reassure me that the connection we had was real.  I expected him to accept my attitude when I didn't get that reassurance.  I had all these expectations, but not once did I communicate them... & when I did, it came out horrible & just like that he was on the defense.

& once he was on the defense, I became unbearable. For weeks.  Childish.  I refused to talk to him.  I became abrasive B.  My attitude was disgusting.  I'm actually very embarrassed on how I acted.  Especially towards someone who once enjoyed being around me. 

When I came to my senses, I finally decided to talk to him like a woman.  But it was too late. I wanted to resolve the unspoken issue that was caused ultimately by me, but he had already made his mind up.  He could no longer see it for us.

& it hurt.

Fuck. It hurt.

When I decide that I like someone, I throw my all into it.  I will give 100% & nothing less. No walls up, no holding back. You will get all of me.  & while some people may call that stupidity, that's me... I don't believe in half & half.  It's all or nothing.  That's why my last relationship lasted for so long.  Until you throw in the towel, I will give you my everything.  Anything else to me, is a waste of time.

This wasn't love... I believe love is built over time.  You can't love someone in several months.  You can be infatuated, but love? No. I hadn't reach the point of love.  But I still cared. I still had hopes. I still had dreams.  & to hear that he refused to give the same effort because of the risks, hurt.  Risks that he had time to think about over & over again while I was wallowing in my insecurities.  Risks that, before he was willing to accept. But once he was pushed away, he had time to come to his senses.

I am so used to reacting towards pain like that, pushing people away.  I've done it countless times with friends, family, & significant others. & majority of the time they aren't even the ones who hurt me... but I still want to be alone, to dwell.  & I'm used to them taking it.  Accepting it as B being B.  She'll come around when she's over it.

But he didn't.  & who could blame him?  But it hurt me to the core because I truly believe that if two people want to be together, they will be together.  If they give their all, it will work.  Regardless of the risks. Regardless of the fights.  They will find a way.

He didn't want to try anymore.  He didn't want to accept the risks. He felt how I felt, but the risks were too great.  & it fucking hurt. It hurt because I know, ultimately, I allowed myself to let it get to this point. He had excuses on top of excuses about the risks, how we should end it now before we both got hurt even more, but I know in the end it was because of my actions. 

Foolish me.

& the most ironic thing out of all of this, is that although he hurt me, he still managed to make me take a look at myself.  He managed to improve me without even trying.  Crazy.

This was someone I cared about, intimately & deeply.  It was someone I saw in my future.  It was someone who in the end, I respected.  I still do.

It was him.

I can't thank him enough for showing me different aspects of myself... For improving me, even just the little bit he did.  It's more than what any man has done for me. When you're used to having a partner who you have to battle with, experiencing one who betters you puts you on a high.  A scary high... A high that you really don't know how to deal with.

So for now, I'm putting on a smile.  You know, the fake one, acting like I'm not hurting, but I am.  Holding back my feelings, trying to figure out how to deal.  There are times I want to message him, but no good will come of it.  It's so difficult for me to hold back how I feel, because I'm such an open book... It's foreign to me to have a wall because I'm so all or nothing...

I know in the end I'll be okay.  If I could come back from being broken, I can come back from this disappointment.  But damn if it doesn't hurt...

Especially when you miss a connection you once had with someone.  Especially when you're left wondering what if...

 

 

Until next time...

xoxo BSG