raw thoughts | volume 1.

1. I'm extremely sexually frustrated.

Way to start off, huh? But it's true. I miss sex. Abstinence is great because the fear of pregnancy is nonexistent.  Even if that time of the month is a few days late, I can always be sure it's not because I'm with child. Which is great.

However, I'm struggling. & I don't mean I miss meaningless, pointless sex. I could get that easily although I've never been one for casual encounters.

I miss intimacy.

I miss the touch of someone I care about, someone who cares about me. For the past couple of days I've been going through it. My hormones don't know which way is up. I feel like a teenage boy. & it took a minute for me to admit that I just really miss sex because I felt I was weak for it. I'm not sure where I got that abstinence meant I was supposed to be a fucking machine with no feelings whatsoever, but I figured that keeping my self busy would eliminate my urge for sex. Clearly, I was wrong.

I know why I decided to hold out & I haven't lost sight of the bigger picture. Finding someone I'm compatible with who plans on staying in my life longer than a season means way more to me than my horniness... I just wish he'd hurry up & get here already because even masturbation isn't working anymore.

 

2. Black men, I honestly do not give a fuck if you don't date black women. Save the explanation for your disappointed mother, not for Twitter.

 

3. Often times I feel like my career causes me to be a burden when it comes to relationships. Since I've sworn off military men (judge me, I don't care), dating a civilian man is becoming more of my reality. Because of that, I'm faced with being in a long distance relationship.

Personally, I prefer long distance. I know how I am when it comes to relationships & being away from the person I'm dating suits me. It gives us both space, which is something I enjoy. Between my moods & need for solitude, sometimes I just want to be alone. Long distance gives me that option.

But at the same time, distance is hard & some people just won't do it. Often times I wonder if I'm going to find a man anytime soon, especially with my next assignment. Korea is 14 hours ahead of America & an expensive ass plane ticket. What man would want to deal with that?

Not only that, but Korea has this stigma of partying & fucking. Although that's the furthest thing on my mind, trust plays such a huge role into dating. I'm not sure I can find someone who would let all of those thoughts go.

Not to mention the communication that would have to take place, the effort on both sides, the mutual understanding... I just feel like I won't find anyone who would want to put up with all of that.

So I'm looking forward to being forever alone

 

4. The next time a family member asks me if I have a boyfriend/fiancé/husband yet, before they ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to curse them out. Not only is it rude, it's fucking annoying. Then to follow up with the 'I feel sorry for you,' "oh" is even more infuriating.

Or even worse, "why?" What the fuck do you mean why? Because I don't want one & I most certainly don't need one. Now if I were to turn around & ask why this is the 14th man you've brought to a family gathering in the last ten years or how come your wife's musty wig is sitting sideways, I'd be wrong right?

 

5.  I think it's funny how the guys I went to high school with look like ass now. & these were the same guys I thirsted after & who didn't pay any attention to me. Don't try to slide in my DMs now, love. I don't want to be baby mother number 4.

 

6. Why do people lie when dating? I for the life of me will never understand. One of my close friends found out a guy she was talking to had a whole fiancé that he forgot to mention.

An entire fiancé.

What was the point of that? Why waste someone's time? Leave people the hell alone if you have another situation.

You have to excuse me, because I just don't understand the mind of a cheater. I've personally never cheated before. & up until 7 years ago, I thought cheating was just some made up, dramatic shit people did on reality tv.

However, in my mind, if I'm dealing with someone, I honestly only have the energy for that one person. Hell, even if I'm "talking" to someone, I tend to cut my other options off. One, to keep it simple & less messy. & two, once again, just don't have the energy to be dealing with multiple people. If I'm interested in you, then congratulations, you don't have to worry about anyone else catching my eye while you have my attention. Stupid on my part? Yes. I'm working on it though.

So why someone would lie while dating someone else is totally beyond me. More power to you for having the ability to juggle multiple people. I could never do it. I'm too lazy, honestly.

 

7.  I'm turning 27 in three weeks & the fear that I won't have a child crosses my mind daily.

I've hardly spoke on this, because I'm afraid of speaking things into existence. One of my biggest fears is that I won't be able to carry a child.

I honestly don't know where this came from. Perhaps because there's been times where I'm almost for certain known I should've gotten pregnant & I didn't. It's always been a thought in the back of my head, like with my luck, I probably won't even be able to have a child. & the thought just continued to grow until it became a legitimate fear.

Also, a few years back my mother got a hysterectomy & said her biggest fear was, "What if you couldn't have children & you needed someone to carry your child for you? I wouldn't be able to do it & you'd have to go through a stranger."

Fuck.

Talk about weird ass signs.

So yes, I'm terrified that the day I plan on having a child with the man I love will never come. I would be devastated. I honestly think that is the one thing that would break me.

 

8. I'm not sure why I'm so candid tonight but I'm not going to edit this post. I like it raw... the post, that is. Anyways, excuse any grammatical errors.

 

9.  I overthink entirely too much. I don't think that's something I'll ever grow out of. I can make up all kinds of scenarios in my head. Some are really, really great--some are shit.  I just like to be prepared for any & all things.

 

10.  I don't like that I get so excited when I genuinely like someone, which is rare might I add.

Getting excited leads to expectations which eventually leads to disappointment.

Damn I'm tainted.

I'm just being honest. I hold back so much because I don't want to seem like an over eager goofball, but I also don't want to be upset when I find out the person is just a big bag of ass. That infatuation & honeymoon phase can be a bitch. This person seems so great until you find out they beat women or kill cats in their spare time.

Seriously, every guy I've dated in the past year has had some serious ass flaw that I found out about a few months in. & I'm not talking about something I could work with, like oh he's just stubborn. I'm talking about a suicidal drunk, an over emotional, temperamental, too attached 25 year old father of three, & someone who was legitimately addicted to porn.

& you see why I won't date military men.

I have a way of picking some fucking weirdos.

So yes, if you have some huge character flaw, do me a favor & don't slide into my DMs... not like anyone does anyways. :|

- BSG

what a girl wants.

 “So what is it that you want?”  My mom asked.  I paused for a minute, caught off guard.

“What?”

“What is it that you want Brittani?  You just went into a fifteen minute rant about everything you don’t want, but what do youwant?”  She smiled a little bit, “Do you even know what you want?  & don’t say loyalty, trust, and communication.  That’s just scratching the surface.  Everyone wants that because it sounds good, but they don’t realize that’s not saying much.  So again, I ask, what do you want?”

--

It’s not a secret that I love relationships.  I can sit & talk about them all night.  It’s always interesting to see other people’s perspectives on how the dynamics of a relationship should work & why they feel that way.  Unfortunately, I find a lot of people basing their opinions off of social media, which to me, is dangerous.  I’ve seen some of the most outrageous memes on both ends of the spectrum.  Women who post that if their man doesn’t pay for the first 50 dates, he’s a bum.  Men who postthat their woman has to look like Lauren London, fuck like Roxy Reynolds, always have her feet & toes done, work out, cook like their mama, twerk on command, not have any kids but accept their 16 toddlers, AND dress like a Fashion Nova model 24/7.  With all these damn standards, people still wonder why they’re fucking single.

I try to steer away from things like that.  Occasionally I’ll post a meme or two that really speaks to me, but other than that, it’s mostly jokes.  There have been so many men & women I’ve unfollowed because they posted a dumbass meme.

So is social media ruining the dating game?  Are we honestly expecting too much out of the people we’re seeing?  We post pictures of Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade with the caption “Goals,” but what exactly are we making the goal?  Let us not forget Mr. Wade had a damn break baby on Gabrielle, who is arguably one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.  Not only that, but his baby mother claims that Ms. Union is a freakin’ alcoholic and that’s why homeboy was out there just fucking any & everyone without a condom.  So is this what we want?  An alcoholic woman & a cheating, trifling (sorry, but not sorry Dwayne) man?  Really? This is what we call goals now?

As much as I love my generation, I have to admit, we’re becoming dangerously close to only caring about social status & looks.  & maybe this is how it was before our time, however, with everyone having a Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook, seeing other people’s lives is a lot easier.  I know couples who on social media, look so in love, but in person are whopping each other’s ass, cheating, & having multiple children outside of the relationship.  It’s a façade.

So what exactly is it do we want in a relationship? Love? Loyalty? Trust? Mutual interests in each other?

Someone who’s okay with you sticking your thumb in their butt?

It took me a long time to write this post, because I realized that I didn’t have an answer.  Like my mom said, all of my wants were just things that scratched the surface. 

Loyalty? Of course I want loyalty, but to what extent?  People just out here saying they want loyalty, not realizing you’ll fall in love with an idiot who is so loyal to you, they won’t even correct you when your ass does something wrong.  Go & get a DUI & your significant other over there calling everyone from the cops to the judge all kind of names because in their eyes, you can’t make a mistake.

“Girl, I know Jimmy went out & killed 6 children, 3 women, & Bishop Charles from church, but he’s my baby.  You know? I love him & the cops was out to get him anyways.”

Man, fuck that.

I want someone who is going to correct me when I’m fucking up.  Yes, be loyal—I don’t want you out here sleeping with Tammy, Ashley, & Portia.  But when I’m not doing things right, in & out of our relationship, correct me.  Tell me when I’m dead ass wrong.  & don’t be afraid to either.  Which is why communication is such a huge trait I look for.

I see so many couples complain about arguing & when I finally get a chance to ask them what their last argument was about, it’s always something so trivial that even I’m like WTF.  So y’all got into an argument because she left her flat iron out on the bathroom counter… Dassit?  You mean to tell me a simple, ‘hey bae, put your flat iron up’ couldn’t suffice?  You took all of her shit in the apartment, threw it out in the hallway, & kicked her dog because an argument that shouldn’t even have been a fucking argument went too far?

& yes, this is a real life story.

I think so many people end up single because they just don’t know how to fucking talk.  Communicate! It’s not that hard… you’ve made it this far in life without cursing out every person you’ve come across, why the hell are you doing it to the person you’re in a relationship with? What the fuck you got going on?

Of course I’ve been there.  I’ve actually lived it.  One time I got so mad at my ex over him coming in late after playing abasketball game, I cursed him out & kicked a whole in the wall.  Not one of my proudest moments, but I was young, dumb, & shouldn’t have been in a relationship with anyone at that time.

Now that I’m older, I find it so much easier to just talk out my shit.  I don’t have the patience to sit there & scream & yell.  I’m way past that now.  I might curse one or two times, but besides that, I’m over it.  & men who aren’t capable of articulating their thoughts, even in a disagreement, just aren’t for me.  & with my age range, I just don’t understand why that’s such a hard thing to do.  Why be with someone who you feel you can’t even talk to like a damn adult?  I wish I could ask my 21 year old self that.

I can also say that consistency is something that’s an absolute must.  I find when most people say consistency, they just mean someone who texts back quickly or is able to talk to you every single day…

Surface level much?

You see, I want someone who consistently shows me they’re a good person.  That’s not asking for a lot, right?

Wrong.

I once dated someone who treated the people who worked customer service like pure trash. Not only was this embarrassing, it was so fucking unnecessary & extremely unattractive.  Cursing out the hostess, cashier, waitress, cook, manager, owner, CEO, & the nigga who held the door open for you when you walked in does what exactly?  Besides show me you’re a shitty ass person who I don’t need to be with.

I honestly wish this was something I practiced when I was younger.  That, when someone shows you who they really are—believe them, quote is so true.  I’ve watched men show their true colors in the most simplest of ways.  Which is why I don’t trust any man who trashes the mother of their child, because at one point you laid down with her, fucked her raw, & proceeded to bring another being into this world.  If you can’t have enough respect for that woman to at least not trash talk her to someone as insignificant as me, then you probably won’t have enough respect for me when we get into a relationship.  At least that my thought process.

Here’s the thing, consistency shows me who you are.  It shows me if you are someone I could spend my time with & if you’re even worth my energy. Consistency shows me if I should trust or even depend on you. 

It goes without saying that trust is the end all be all.  I’ve been in a relationship where the trust was broken and it was like having a second job.  I did everything to try & catch him cheating again.  I went through his phone, broke into his Facebook, Google’d his name, followed him around.  It was disgusting & I will never do it again. From that I learned I cannot forgive you if you’ve betrayed me.  Call it a Virgo thing, a bitter woman thing… hell, you can even call it an insecurity, however, once I feel like I need to start questioning you on what the fuck you’re doing, I’m done.

Trust plays such a huge role into all of this.  If I can’t trust that you’ll call me out on my shit when I’m doing something wrong, then there’s no loyalty.  If I can’t trust you won’t blow up on me when I bring up how something you do upsets me, then our communication will forever be off.  If I can’t trust that I can depend on you, then you’re one inconsistent motherfucker.

See what I did there?

This is something I’ve never really had in any of my relationships.  I’ve never fully, 100% trusted the person I was with.  Why?  Because they showed me a part of themselves that I knew wasn’t right.  & yet I still stayed there, hoping it would change… & guess what? It never did.

I want someone to be my escape & my best friend.  In this fucked up world, it’s nice to know you have someone who will always be in your corner & have your back. Who knows when it’s time to check you & when it’s time to comfort you.

I want someone who I know will be there & ride for me when times get hard, because it will.  Someone who can share the weight of the world with me. 

You know, I model how I want my relationships off of my parents.  My mom & my step dad are like Jordan & Pippen.  Those two absolutely amaze me.  To this day, they act like high school sweethearts.  They still play fight, fuss, & argue like two people who have just fallen in love with each other. I’ve never seen them argue in front of me, even though I know they went through a rough patch once I joined the military & moved out.  But they still bounced back.  I watch them poke fun at each other all the time.  Hell, not even a week ago my dad was saying how he couldn’t wait to put my mother in an old folk’s home because she’s losing her mind & always fussing.

They still chase each other around the house & have date night.  My dad still buys her flowers & my mom still cooks & makes his plate for him, even though all the kids are out the house.  To hear my dad talk about my mom… it’s like he’s adores her.  I know he would never let anyone harm her, not even me!  He’s so overprotective of her & I love it.  Just knowing that my mom feels the same & is so passionate about it gives me hope.

Almost 20 years together & the only thing they have is love.  They didn’t have any kids together.  Just love, dedication, & devotion. 

So you can see why I love love & why I’m so passionate about relationships.  I know it’s possible & I know what I’m looking for is out there.  I just wish it would hurry up & get here…

Sort of…

Just because the anticipation is killing me…

J

- BSG

the one who got away.

I used to check your Instagram almost every week, sometimes even more, just to see if you were still with your new girlfriend. & everytime I would get knots in my stomach because I knew what I would find. 

You were still with her.  

It got to the point where I just stopped, cold turkey. I was tired of putting my self through that torture. Nothing was going to change. You looked happy & she looked happy. & I hated you both for it. Funny, right? 

Majority of my relationships ended because the other guy was a fuck boy. But with you, it was completely my fault.  I was such a terror, I commend you for sticking with me as long as you did. Apart of me blames it on the fact that when we were younger, you put me through hell. I cried so many tears over you. We were off & on for almost ten years, solely because you were afraid of commitment. You would be so hot & cold, & it killed me. 

When you finally decided you were ready for a relationship, I was stationed in Turkey. You flew all the way to that god awful country just to ask me to be your girlfriend again. Estatic wasn't even the word. I had finally got my man. My soulmate. You were the one. 

Or at least you were supposed to be.  

What followed was 9 months of pure hell. I was a brat, picking fights with you for no reason whatsoever, just because someone pissed me off at work. We were spending crazy money on plane tickets to fly each other back & forth. We made that stupid ass promise to see each other every other month, which left us both broke. I hated your female best friend because I felt like she tried to play me. You slept with her cousin prior to me, so it was fuck the whole family at that point. I hated the fact I had gained 50 pounds in Turkey & couldn't lose the weight to save my life, so I push my insecurities on you. I would go days & days without speaking to you because you did something to piss me off. You were my only friend since I had just been stationed in Texas & wasn't really interested in making friends. Whenever you took too long to answer my text, I cursed you smooth out. 

Why the fuck did you stay with me? I was a complete bitch. 

I can't believe that this was only two years ago. Looking back, I'm embarrassed with how I acted during & immediately after our relationship. I cringe just thinking about it.

When we broke up, I was devestated, completely broken. My life revolved around you & our relationship, so when you left I didn't really have anyone else. Subsequently, I lost 15 pounds in a week because I refused to eat. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't go to work. I couldn't function. 

& the funny thing is, I was the one who broke up with you.

In a crazy, bitchy, psychotic way, I did it just to push the envelope. Picking fights wasn't working anymore, so I ended it. I can't even remember what the argument was over, I just know I ended it. 

I tried to reconcile a few days later, like nothing ever happened, & of course you said no. Actually, you said absolutely not. & that you had fallen out of love with me a few months prior & it took this break up to get you to realize that. 

So there I was, crushed.  

I begged, pleaded, cried, bargained, everything you could possibly think of. I even contemplated getting out of the military to move back home to be with you. I was at the lowest of lows & all I could do is blame myself. 

I didn't deserve you.  

Looking back, there's so many things I wish I could've changed. I wouldn't have even gotten back with you because we didn't belong together. You were trying to right your wrongs & do right by me to make up for your past mistakes. & I took advantage of that. We were doomed from the beginning. 

I still love you. I always will love you, because you were my first love. & we built a friendship, that unfortunately will never be repaired because of my actions. & I'm okay with that.  

This last Tuesday was my first time coming home in two years. I can honestly say I avoided it because I was so terrified of running into you. Not because I still want you, but because I'm so embarrassed with how I acted.  

So no... I don't hate that you're happy. I'm glad you're happy. I love that you have a new girlfriend. You deserve it. I've watched you grow from a scared little ass boy who was terrified of commitment to a grown man who has flourished with his relationships. 

I'm just mad at how I treated you. & coming home made me realize that.  

Unfortunately, pride won't ever let me reach out to you. I've moved on & so have you. I just don't have it in my heart to revisit a door that's been closed.   

So I guess this is my apology.  

Love, BSG 💕 

the a word.


Every time I say it, the reactions are priceless. I get looks of shock, confusion, anger, & sometimes even pity. I have a friend who said she was ashamed of me when she heard me say it. Men instantly find me unattractive & women think I'm crazy.

IMG_0414.JPG

When I decided to embark on this long, dry road I knew it would be hard. I knew there was going to be people in my life who were flabbergasted.  I mean, I am withstanding from the very thing that seems to make the world go round.

 Sex.

I was told that most people remain abstinent because they're forced to. They're not in a committed relationship or seeing anyone at the current moment, so they're automatically enrolled in the school of abstinence. Which is easy, because you're not faced with the temptation. It's easy to say no if you don't even have to say it at all.

I don't want to say that I was forced to refrain from sex, because if I wanted it, I could easily get it.  It's the same for a relationship, if I truly wanted to be in one, I would be in one. It's the fact I just don't want to. I'm not interested in either right now. & I'm perfectly okay with that.

My last relationship was a doozy. I took the break up hard, however, it made me realize so many things. I've given myself to men who didn't deserve it. Yes, I know this seems to be a consistent theme in my writings, but it's true. & it's my fault. I just didn't love myself enough to stick to my standards.

This is not to say I've slept around, but even if I have, it's gotten me nowhere. The older I get, the more I realize that a person's body count doesn't fucking matter. I know women who have slept with 50+ men who are currently married & men who are virgins who can't find a stable relationship to save their life. Me choosing to refrain from sex has nothing to do with me trying to preserve my "numbers" & everything to do with me trying to preserve my very being.

I can't have causal sex. I've never been capable of doing it. I haven't tried, but I know I'm just not built for a one night stand. & I'm jealous of anyone, man or woman, who can do it. I feel like it would be liberating, having sex with someone you know you won't ever see again. But things like that terrify me.

Maybe I haven't taken control of my sexuality or maybe I'm just not mature enough. Hell, maybe I'm fucking stupid. But I want to have sex with someone I know cares, loves, & appreciates about me. It is so much more than just reaching an orgasm or getting one off. It's a connection. There is no better feeling on earth than looking into the eyes of the man who's inside of you. Knowing he's touching such an intimate spot. Just being wrapped up together & in sync.  The moans & the heavy breathing. The touching & caressing. The soft kisses on...

Too explicit? My bad.

But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it. My friends tease me constantly because every frustrating moment or angry outburst is blamed on my lack of sex. & sometimes I wonder if they're right. Does sex really have that big of control on me that when I go without it, I'm a complete bitch?  Or is it just an easy copout?

I know this. Sex is huge. People like to downplay it & say it's not, but it is. Everywhere you go, you're either seeing it, hearing it, thinking about it, or doing it. Our society makes sure of that.

I want the next person I share my body with to be the last. I want him to know how much I treasure sex & what it means to me. I can't say if I'm going to wait until marriage, because I don't want to set myself up for failure, however I know I'm done giving that part of my life up to men who don't deserve it.

So pray for me. Pray I get some discernment up in this bitch (sorry God, you know my heart).

BSG